Breakdown: The Ugly Truth Behind Single Motherhood…

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The Ugly Truth Behind Single Motherhood (1)

Coming home each and every day after working 8 hours minimum…(for me sometimes 10) there is nothing  I love more than coming home to my son and hearing all about his day at school, helping out with homework, fixing dinner for two, doing the daily house chores that need to be done, and then finally after all that is said and done…taking about 10 minutes to shower and hit the sack to prepare to do it all over again tomorrow….

Pure bliss right?  WRONG.

Sorry but as you can tell by the title, this blog is definitely not composed to talk about the joys of motherhood, but rather to discuss why this has to be one of the most single handed, mentally draining jobs one has EVER been responsible for.

This blog was inspired by a video I saw about a month or so ago on Facebook Live, of a young lady that was sharing her raw truth, real and uncensored. She was frustrated, angry, tired and just mentally over being a mother.

As I sat and I watched her and listened to the things she was saying, I couldn’t help but think of one thing..how much I could relate to this complete stranger I was watching. While I don’t doubt that she and I are probably two very different women, and most likely have different lifestyles and backgrounds, the one thing is for sure and that’s we both have given birth, and at this time in our lives we both fall under the class of women referred to as “single mothers.”

I took the time to read through many of the comments on her video and there was mixed responses. She had some that criticized everything she said and basically told her that her answer to this problem should have been birth control. Go figure.

Now don’t get me wrong, I definitely agree that in her case she had choices to make and by her having multiple children, she has put herself in a predicament that wasn’t best for her at this point in her life. However, on the flip side of that, I only have one child and again, I could totally relate to her.

She talked about what you don’t hear most mothers say out loud.  That particular day was not a day that she mentally felt like being a mother.  In fact it was in that moment that she had to walk away  from the children and step outside to vent. She had to step away because she didn’t want to hurt her children or have them see her in the mental state she was in at the time. There is certainly a fine line between a woman that has gone crazy and lost her mind to the point where she has become a threat to her children, but that’s not what I saw there. I saw a woman that was mentally drained. Even during her public display of emotion and reveal, she still found the time to go tend to the children when they needed their clothes. One thing I remember her saying was that, ” those are MY babies”.

No one will take care of our children like we do and that’s why we never give up. Even on the days we feel we want to.

While some may say that they saw an irresponsible woman that should have did her part for birth control if she wasn’t ready for the full on responsibility of multiple children..I saw a human being.

Can we move past the part that says “you layed down and made those babies, now you must deal with the consequences.” The children are here, and I am a firm believer that every person born into this world has a divine purpose whether they seek to walk in it or not.  Those children are here and whether you’re a woman with  1, 2, 3, or 4 children, being a single mother is still a test of strength and courage. Being a single mother means that sacrifice has now become automatic, and regardless of who is in your “village”..you are the primary caregiver of that child or children and you must be there for them at all costs..but who is going to be there for us?

Who is going to be there when we fall short of strength?  On the days when I don’t want to get out of bed, when I don’t want to cook dinner, when the last nerve that I have is being pounced upon by my child..who is going to take the wheel for me?

Though a choice was made to have a child, we didn’t make them alone and what the young lady I mentioned was just trying to justify was who made the rule that the woman had to be the sacrifice and not the father that chooses to walk away or come in and out of the children’s lives when they so see it convenient. Who decided that we have to be the strong ones?  Now don’t get me wrong, and let me be clear..there are some amazing single fathers that have stepped up and taken on the role of being the only reliable source in a child’s life, but this article isn’t about them. This is about the voice of the single mother.

The voice of me.

Women were some how engraved with this super power to take on the world at any given moment whether we wanted to accept it or not. It’s like it’s in our DNA. We were created to be a helpmate for the man, yet when we have yet to meet that man we are destined to be wives to, and our lives take a different course, how are we going to function on those days when the pillar of our strength is weakened?

Being a mother is truly a blessing and I’m blind to the idea of living my life without my son, but I don’t always have the strength to put on the warrior face and handle all of our problems, our struggles, and our trials. I get tired. Women get tired.  We didn’t sign up for the singles mothers club, yet most of us are are very own presidents.

It’s so easy to to want to give up. It’s so easy to risk it all to be free from carrying the burden of handling everything but some how, some way, we push through it all.

I’ve had days that I would come home from working two jobs and I would just go straight to my bedroom and shut the door. The exhaustion and the mental frustration from having to put on a fake sincerity on those days at work where I truly wanted to flip out, would bring me back to my home feeling like I just don’t want to be bothered with my home duties, my social circle, and honestly my own child. It’s like you have put in more than half of your 24 hours in working to make a living for yourself to take care of your responsibilities, so the rest of these few hours I just want to be mine..and rightfully so.

You see, many women are not going to say it but the reality is that living as a single mother can feel like your own life has been ripped away and you are now living for your kids.  That’s the ultimate sacrifice we must pay.  We must be the providers, the care takers, the counselors, and the authority.  We are the leaders of our household so I’m sorry but when a man comes around half stepping, with pre-conceived notions that we are just going to immediately submit to them, that is as about far fetched as me taking a trip to the moon. With me comes not a only a packaged deal, but with me comes a strong, independent mind that has been living a life of routine, time management, and often times hostile attitudes depending on the “sacrifice of the day” shall we call it.

I am so tired of always being super woman. I for once would like nothing more than to just be lazy and disappear for a few months then come back and resume my role as a mother, but I can’t.  I don’t have it in me to give up and neither do so many other tremendous women out here that are doing the exact same thing.

This post is for you.

What I want you to gain from this blog is the comfort in knowing that those hidden feelings you have that you dare not let be exposed, you are not alone. It’s okay to be tired, and it’s okay to not always” like” being a mother, because I know in your heart of hearts you love it, and love runs deeper than any temporary feeling of exhaustion and frustration.

The love you have for your child or children can never be tarnished.  You live for your children and would fight tooth and nail for them in a heartbeat.  You are their biggest supporters and their go-to for everything, so it’s okay to have those days when you just don’t feel like you WANT to be. See the thing is though we act like superheros and that is often the alter ego many of us feel we have, in reality we are just human beings. Human beings with real life problems, struggles, dilemmas, and lives to live them all through.

Being a single mother doesn’t mean we are exempt from feeling like for once we don’t want to give a damn. Society just makes it appear as though we can’t have those feelings, but I say even on your worst days, when you STILL get up and conquer your day, you can feel however the hell you want to feel.

We are not perfect and we are not robots. We are mothers. We live and breathe the same oxygen as everyone else and even we can get tired.  Show me a mother, a woman for that matter that doesn’t sometimes just need a break and I will show you a pot of gold she wins for “Best Mother of the Year” because that woman deserves it!!

To the single mother that is reading this right now, just know you are not alone. Even though physically you are handling everything on your own, you have a greater support system far bigger than any other force to be reckoned with. Your Higher Power has equipped you with a soul made of stone and a strength that is unmatched. I encourage you to keep pushing through.

Until next time,

Peace and Blessings

-La’Ray Renee