“Women with trust issues are crazy.” How many times have I heard that in my life? I would have to say about as many times as I have blinked and rolled my eyes at the sound of it. This usually comes from a man that is not equipped to handle a woman that has dealt with some things in her life, yet he continues to keep her around for the sheer convenience of not being alone or because he sees her potential but in the back of his mind knows he selfishly wants her all to himself..for now.
Do I have trust issues..yes. Am I ashamed of that..no.
I have come to terms with this reality by way of my last and most recent relationship, where the very words that I’ve always wanted to hear from a man that I adore, are the very words that I find to be too good to be true.
Something’s just not right.
“You need to just relax, and let go. I’m not going to hurt you.” I replay the tone of his voice all the time and this time it sounds different. I listen to the way he reasons with me and I feel something in my spirit. He said something to me one day that I will never forget he said that, “you must think I’m like the rest of them but I’m not, I’m different.”
That’s what they all say though…right?
Women who love hard and care deeply put themselves at risk to experience a pain that is unforgettable and it takes only a strong man to help her get through that. Like me, when you’ve found yourself continuously being devalued or lied to, it’s like you become immune to anything that differs from that. How can you recognize the real thing when all your eyes have seen is a fraud?
There is a certain type of radar that a woman with trust issues has. A sense to detect the bull#$%^ if you will, and my radar is like a sounding alarm. You can get through to my heart, but my mind is guarded by this wall and it won’t come down. Not even for “him.”
Having trust issues is a condition to which you must consistently assess the motives behind anyone that comes into your life and if anything, and I mean anything seems to be off, you’re without a doubt calling it out. You refuse to sit back and be played again. You refuse to sit around for what you know is inevitable..only it hasn’t exactly happened yet, but you just wait.
In the meantime, you find yourself living your life, happy and intrigued by this person that came along and changed the game because even though in your mind you know he will fail and he will eventually fall short, and slip up…in this very moment he seems like someone familiar.
You know at night when you pray to God about that person that was made for you and you for them? That person that will finally come into your life and accept you flaws and all and change the course of the way love feels? That’s who HE reminds you of…THAT person. You are filled with emotions for this person and all you can do sometimes is stare at his face in admiration and even disbelief that this could possibly be the real thing..but it can’t be…right?
A woman with trust issues has been exposed to some raw truths that she wasn’t emotionally ready to handle because her expectations and hopes were so high that she was seemingly above the reality of the situation and it ultimately caused her what felt like a mind shifting, Earth shattering pain.
Don’t tell me that I’m crazy because I had faith in a person that was significant to me and I was let down. Don’t tell me I’m crazy because my face was at mercy to his hand. Don’t tell me I’m crazy because I had to endure an embarrassment I will never forget.
Only..HE didn’t tell me that. He told me that, that I was a virtuous woman and even though he can see where my mind was messed up, he’s not going anywhere. Instead he told me that when he prays for himself at night he prays for my healing as well. He talks about the future and insists on the “we” instead of just the “me”.
I don’t know…what am I missing? When are we going to skip to the part where every instinct that I had is right? That women’s intuition that we swear by, has not kicked in yet and I’m now wondering if mine is just broke….(scratches head)
I am a strong, independent woman and I will not allow anyone to come in at this point in my life and play a game with me. I don’t have time to waste anymore because all the years I spent looking for love in the all wrong places led me to the woman I am now. Still capable of loving, but it comes with red flags, yellow tape, oh and eyes in the back of my head. I see you. Enter at your own risk.
I think as women we know we have trust issues when we can literally step outside of ourselves and realize that this is an unhealthy way to live in our relationships and something within us has not yet healed. We can literally have something that is finally good to us and good for us and STILL find the fault in everything he does because it’s like we are holding him to this unrealistic idea of being perfect when he’s not, but he’s perfect for you.
What I can offer is this…to the woman that is reading this and has issues with trust, you have to be open to healing yourself before you can move forward with anyone else. You have to understand that life isn’t always going to be easy, it’s not always going to be fair, and love is one of the most complicated areas of life to ever be mastered. Take each experience as a life lesson on your journey. You have so much living to do, and the people that are meant to stay in your life are already anchored down.
There is already a master plan saved with your name on it, and the key is to make your way through it.
Don’t allow people to break your course because they are not synced with your plan.
When you finally decide to love again, just relax and let go. Live in the moment, be happy and don’t allow the power of your past, to control the destiny of your future.